


After Hours

by elvirakitties



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-16 22:29:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9292229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elvirakitties/pseuds/elvirakitties
Summary: What exactly does the staff at Hogwarts get up to after hours?





	1. Chapter 1

"I am telling you, we need to get some crisps." Harry tried to get up off of the couch. He gave up after the second attempt.

"Call an elf. I want some pizza." Severus passed the joint to Lucius. He pulled Harry closer to him. 

"Just don't call Dobby. We might get ten pizzas." Lucius proceeded to inhale, passing it to Narcissa. He put his legs up on the ottoman and closed his eyes. 

"We need some candy. After that, we can work on me taking control of the world." Dumbledore remarked. "Lemon drops."

"No. Who invited you? Go away." Minerva summoned an elf. She ordered snacks as well as Dumbledore removal. "He is such a downer. When does he officially retire?"

"Tom, I think he wants your job still. End of the year. Something about him being the ex-Headmaster but yet not having enough years teaching to get his full benefits." Harry muttered, enjoying his cuddle against Severus, who gave him a kiss.

"Most likely. Never could take no for an answer. Pass it along Cissa, sharing is caring." Bella remarked she nudge her sister.

"I am, I am." Narcissa responded. "I am craving some those American Cheesy Fries that we had when we were in NY." 

"Oh, those were good." Lucius answered. "Tom, can we crash here tonight? I don't think I am up for going to our quarters."

"Sure. Plenty of space." Voldemort answered as he inhaled deeply, leaning back in his chair. He finally waved his hand around to reflect the furniture they were all sitting on. He knew everyone would sleep where they were currently. "Make sure we don't get Nagini stoned again. She was so cranky the next morning when I didn't have a rat for her."

"Is that why she ate Pettigrew?" Poppy asked. "This stuff is better than the medical quality crap they issue. Who did you get it from?" 

"Fifth-year Puff, I busted them trying to sell it to a few Claws." Minerva stated. "I think Severus got some from them last week."

"I did." Severus reached into his robes, pulling out some M&M's. "That was what we used on Friday last week."

"Now that was good stuff." Poppy added. "Is it that Johnson boy?"

"Yes, seems Daddy Dearest is a dealer. He pinched a few kilos from him and has been trying to sell it. He is worse than Draco was with "wait until my father hears about this."

"Hey." Draco muttered from his spot on the floor. He was half asleep with his head in a sleeping Hermione's lap. 

Harry ignored Draco and added. "He is failing because I have been telling people it's Oregano."

Everyone giggled, causing Minerva to switch into her cat form. "Toss some catnip out." Narcissa laughed.

Bella instead pulled out some string. "Let's see how stoned our kitty is." Minerva ignored the string, hoped down and curled up in front of the hearth. "She's out."

"She started earlier today after Dumbledore tried to get her to do inventory for the year." Severus giggled. 

"I think your stoned, love." Harry remarked. 

"Yes, I am." Severus popped a few more M&M's into his mouth. "We need to buy more of these."

"You gained a stone since I introduced you to them." Harry kissed him. "Which you needed to gain by the way. I have more in our quarters."

Soon all of them were sleeping, the new staff at Hogwarts were relaxing after all the student had left for their Christmas holiday. Harry's last thought was "who knew joining the dark would be so much fun."


	2. Spring Break

"Mr. Johnson, I see you haven't learned." Severus strode up to the boy as he was trying to sell to some Gryffindors. Neither group knew how to be subtle, thank Merlin. "Hand it over. Two weeks with Mr. Filch when you return. I am sure your father will also be getting another letter." He looked down at what was laid in this hand. "The rest of it, Mr. Johnson." 

He showed Harry as he entered their quarters. "Looks like we will have enough for the entire holiday. I caught him yesterday, Minerva and Poppy caught him outside of the Infirmary, and Lucius caught him on the Quidditch Pitch."

"Puffs, they never get the idea of being subtle." Severus commented as he stored their stash.

______________________________________________

"I am telling you we need to start searching that boy's dorm and mail." Harry inhaled. Severus just light one up. He saw the tell-tale bag of M&M in Severus' pocket. He pulled it out. 

"I agree. I can't believe every single child is out of Hogwarts for spring break." Lucius took another bite of his pizza. "This is really good."

"Aberforth got a pizza oven in." Minerva commented. She took a puff from the joint Poppy passed her. As she exhaled she said. "I conned him into hiring Albus for the week for us. Said how Albus needed some new job experience so he wouldn't be useless when he left here. I had to bribe Aberforth with an order of ten pizzas this week." 

"We will be ordering more than that and you know it." Hooch said from next to Minerva.

"True." Minerva agreed. "Plus the elves like pizza too." 

"The students being gone are all because of Harry and Severus." Hermione said from Draco's lap. He was running his hand through her hair. She had a bottle of Pepsi next to her. "We need to get some of this tomorrow." Draco nodded his agreement.

"Us?" Harry looked at Severus. "Can you believe the tales they are telling about us? Just because I happened to mention that we were going to be so busy that we wouldn't be able to see each other was no reason for everyone to leave."

"I agree. I mean I just helpfully suggested that I was going to patrolling the halls because my husband was going to be very busy, wasn't any reason for them to all leave." Severus popped an M&M into his mouth.

"It also had nothing to do with the threat of giving anyone you found in the hall a twelve-foot essay on the importance of cutting frog's liver correctly?" Bella asked. "Though how anyone could even write a foot on it, is beyond me."

"Exactly." Harry and Severus said at the same time. 

"So which one of you coated Albus' candy dish with the babbling potion, mixed with the prank that turned him into a dog?" Voldemort asked. 

No one answered. "Is that why Hagrid was wondering where his new dog went too?" Narcissa asked as he handed Draco the pipe. "We have to go back to that Pipe Store in London before they return."

"I was going to head there on Saturday." Bella remarked. "I lost my lighter again." She started to pat the chair she was sitting in. "I know I brought it with me." 

"I found something better." Harry remarked.

"Yes, my lighters." Severus' commented. "I had Filius see if there was a charm we could adapt for the lighters. He said there was and he would give me the spell when he found the book."

"I find about five or six on average after all of you leave. The elves put them on my desk." Voldemort accio a basket. He held it out and everyone started to claim their lighters. 

"I wonder who was the one that hid all of Albus' robe and he was forced to wear his old black teacher's robes?" Hooch asked as she took a brownie. "Narcissa, did you bake Johnson's stuff in these?"

"Yes, the other stuff was too weak, didn't work that well. How do you think I make it through those teas with Augusta Longbottom. She won't touch anything I bake." 

"Ruddy battleax that woman is." Severus quietly told Harry, who agreed. 

"We have the Hogwarts to ourselves this week. So I am going to suggest a prank war during the daylight hours, but not between us." Voldemort said. 

"Oh?"

"Yes, we divide into four teams. We set the pranks up in the different houses and any professor who isn't here. There are a few catches. The pranks can't go off until the at least three days after everyone returns. Nothing dangerous, humiliating, or even something that would allow them to think it was us. The team that does the best job doesn't have to provide the munchies for the summer holiday." Voldemort put the idea out there.

"Can you present this idea when I am not so stoned?" Bella asked. 

"I agree."

"He always comes up with the best ideas when he is stoned." Harry said. "I want to write that one down so we don't forget it." Harry slowly got up and after thirty minutes, after an M&M throwing free for all, Harry was able to finish adding things to the prank contest, Harry finally sat back down. He got an M&M in his mouth and a kiss from Severus for his reward.

"Minerva you have M&M's in your hair." Hermione laughed, and everyone else started laughing as Minerva tried to get them out of her hair. 

They all heard a snore and saw Hooch and Bella were out. "It seems everyone is crashing here again. I always forgot how loud Hooch is when she snores." Voldemort cast a silencing spell over the witch. 

"Featherweights." Harry looked at the pair sleeping and knew there would be a few more soon. 

"Come on, heavyweight, let's get you back to our quarters before we both fall asleep." Severus said as Harry started giggling.


	3. Prank War

Wednesday night:

Voldemort was sitting in the Headmaster chair, as the students were arriving for dinner. Tonight was the kick off on their prank war. He was eagerly looking forward to being the judge for the next few days. He saw Harry smirk at him. He wondered what the boy had done now. 

As the food appeared, he watched as some students started having horns, others had tails, some were now different colors. He started laughing, however, when the Ravenclaw students started shouting out random songs, clearly not of their own will. Each time a song was shouted out, a student in Gryffindor would start to dance, while a student in Slytherin would sing the song. The Hufflepuffs were laughing but soon stopped as after the fourth song, they were suddenly making music with their plates, glasses, books, anything they could beat their wands against. 

"Very impressive." Minerva stated. 

"I agree. It used a nice range of skills." Poppy stated. 

"I will look up the winner for tonight. I won't release the results of each night until Sunday night at our staff meeting." Voldemort reminded everyone.

Filius, Severus, and Harry exchanged smirks.

Thursday:

"Where is Albus?" Voldemort asked as everyone took their seats.

"Aberforth had some extra orders and I sent Albus down to help him." Minerva commented. The staff waited for the students to arrive, but no one showed up. 

"I believe we need to find the children. Heads check your house." Voldemort ordered, he wondered what prank could stop all the students from showing up. 

Harry, Filius, and Severus slowly got up, grinned at each other and headed off to the next problem.

__________________________________________________________

"I see we can now resume our regular day?" Voldemort asked Minerva at lunch. "What was the problem?"

"You should ask what wasn't the problem." Minerva stated. 

"Really, I have to agree. We had all the sinks turned into aquariums, all the soap wouldn't lather, and all the stalls in the bathrooms were occupied by just trousers and shoes, the water that came out of a shower smelled like chicken, or dye someone a color." Pomona stated. 

Voldemort looked at each of the students, and he could make out a lot of them were wearing glamours. "Interesting." 

The rest of the day was filled with the normal pranks of being turned into animals, dyed colors, and random yelling out of romantic overtures. 

Friday:

Voldemort and the rest of the staff looked at Harry. "Didn't Harry have on a blue robe?"

"No, it was green. I saw him during my free time in the staff room"

"I saw him with a silver one this morning."

"Are you sure? I could have sworn he was wearing black, at first I thought he was Severus."

"Tom, where have you been all day?" Minerva asked. Ignoring the confusing questions about Harry's wardrobe.

"I am trying to figure that out. Every appointment I thought I had today I didn't. I was at the Ministry and no one was there for the meeting. I went to my Board meeting and the same thing. I even had two job interviews that didn't show up. When I tried to floo or owl them, nothing. No floo address worked and the owls refused to leave."

"I believe you got pranked." Irma stated.

"I will make a note of all the pranks today." Voldemort couldn't believe he got pranked. He had been so careful about what he ate, drank, even used in during the day.

Filius covered his mouth with his napkin as Harry popped a strawberry into his and Severus closed his eyes to keep control over his mask.

Saturday:

The small group gathered in Voldemort's quarters, all ready to relax. It had been a long day and week so far. "I have to say I am glad today's prank of not being able to write with our quills was reserved for today." Minerva responded.

"I tried all my quills. I had to go to Hogsmeade and buy a few new ones. I wasn't expecting that type of prank. I tried everything to think of to dispel my quills too." 

"Just roll one, and pass it over. I am going to be grateful for tomorrow. I want to find out who did these pranks." Bella responded.

Sunday:

"Grrr..This is so annoying." Bella slammed her fork down on the table.

"You got one too?" Poppy asked.

"One what?" Lucius looked up from his reading.

"A cryptic note warning me of an impending prank. I have been getting almost hourly." Bella exclaimed.

"Me too." Everyone added. 

"After dinner tonight, I will declare the winning team." Voldemort commented. He didn't know who the winning team was as he entered the winning prank, and used magic to pull the matching parchment with the prank out of the pile. While they had seen a wide range of pranks on the staff and students, he promised himself, he was never going to mention a pranking contest again. 

________________________________________________________________

"Well, I have the winning team. I have to say I was a bit surprised by the team." Voldemort stated. "I am also hoping the winning team will tell us who was responsible for each part of the pranks since they won each night." He paused. "The winners are Severus, Harry, and Filius. You do not have to provide munchies for the rest of the year. Those were some original pranks."

"The soap?" Minerva asked. "Some light one, we need it." Lucius was already passing out the wine. 

"Harry." Harry had coated all the bars of soap with clear nail polish. Harry leaned into Severus, who gave him a kiss.

"The sink aquariums?" Poppy wondered. She actually liked the idea of those miniature aquariums and thought one might be good in her office.

"Filius." Filius had closed off the openings in sinks, filled them with fresh water, put some gravel on the bottom, added some plants and two fish. "Each house now has their own aquarium." Severus stated.

"Thank you, I saw them installed. The elves did a good job." Minerva remarked.

"The trick with the bathroom stalls?" Lucius asked.

"All Severus." Harry stated.

"The clothing? You kept changing your clothes right, Harry?" Draco asked.

"Yes, we were going to have Severus do it, but since he only wears black, we weren't sure if anyone would notice." Harry stated. 

"My appointments?" Voldemort asked. He took the joint from Minerva and inhaled.

"Harry. He actually was very creative in all of our pranks." Severus answered. He still wasn't exactly sure how Harry had managed to change Voldemort's schedule.

"I should have known that. It was protected by Parseltongue spells." Voldemort stated. "I blame it on being tired."

"The quills?" Minerva asked.

"Harry." Filius and Severus grinned. They had enjoyed the creative side of Harry.

Harry grinned. He had used the clear nail polish again and coated the bottom of the quills with it and added a bit of parsel magic to seal them. "You can use them tomorrow. I put a timer on it."

"The notes?" Bella asked. She was leaning back in her chair.

"Severus. All of us worked on getting everything done." Harry answered. 

"The songs, singing, dancing, and music?" Narcissa asked. 

As she finished asking the question, everyone sang:

All we need is drugs,  
All we need is drugs,  
All we need is drugs, drugs,  
Drugs are all we need (we're stoned, who gives a shite about subject/verb agreement)  
Pass the Cheetos and the salsa, please!

Harry started laughing. "I told you the song would work."

Filius smirked. "Yes, you did."


End file.
